A few years ago I had just gotten out of the hospital when I learned of the tsunami that hit South East Asia. I remember thinking, wow, the earth is way more upset than I am. I had started crying for no reason and could not stop so I checked in to the hospital after not sleeping for 48 hours and they gave me a nice pink pill and I slept for a while, got fitted with a therapist, an appointment and sent home.
I got a diagnosis of “chronic depression”. I tried medication for a while and I worked while taking it. It was difficult. I eventually went off the drug. I was told that I had probably been chronically depressed since childhood. Right or wrong I did not feel the drug was the way for me to deal with it.
It was Christmas. I was overwhelmed by of loss and hopelessness. I had lost a few friends. Some of them had been cancer patients. Some of them simply fell away. Two long time relationships came to an end. One of them ended by choice, the other not so much. My kids were all teenagers. So there were personal things, but there were also global things. Everything was just so sad.
I would say I am still basically depressed. It is my personal “flavour”. (I’m told that I am very funny). I laugh, get mad and cry. I try not to have too many expectations and I filter out the negative as much to compensate for this tendency to think the worst. I don’t mind feeling this way. I think in some ways it helps me be more compassionate. Sometimes the only thing that can make me feel better is to try to help someone else feel better.
It’s funny in a way that I eventually found Clowning. I quite literally “put on a happy face”. Clowning provides an opportunity to play; to address difference; to air out fears; to joke about the unknown without being so artless as actually saying so.
Clowning is so flagrantly inappropriate, it makes other things that we find difficult to talk about less inappropriate.
I’m a sensitive clown. 😛